The Illusion of Control: Why We Reach Outward Instead of Looking Within

Our feeling that we "should" be able to control what we eat is core to why we beat ourselves up so viciously. We "should" have more willpower. Look! Everyone else does! We suck. So we spend an inordinate amount of energy trying to control outside stuff by over-caregiving, powering through our jobs, or being all things to all people.  This is the Illusion of Control.

We often encounter a perplexing paradox in our quest for health and well-being: the illusion of control. We believe we have control over our food choices and eating habits, yet find ourselves repeatedly reaching for soothing substances in moments of stress or discomfort. This disconnect between our perceived control and our actual behavior runs deep, touching on fundamental aspects of human psychology and our relationship with the world around us.

SWCC: The Stuff We Can't Control

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Life is filled with elements beyond our control - global events, others' actions, and unforeseen circumstances. We call these SWCC: Stuff We Can't Control. The existence of SWCC can be deeply unsettling, challenging our sense of agency and security in the world.

In response to this discomfort, we often double down on trying to control what we believe we can. We might meticulously plan our diets, count every calorie, or commit to rigid exercise routines. These actions give us a sense of control, a feeling that we're taking charge of our lives amidst the chaos.

The Illusion of Control Over External Factors

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Here's where the illusion sets in: we start to believe that if we just try hard enough, we can control not only our eating habits but other external aspects of our lives as well. We think, "If I can stick to this perfect diet, surely I can also control how others perceive me, ensure my career success, or guarantee my relationships will work out."

This belief is seductive but ultimately misleading. The reality is that our control over external factors is limited at best. We can influence certain outcomes, but we can't control them entirely.

The Amygdala and the Loss of Control

The illusion of control becomes even more apparent when we consider how our brain responds to stress or emotional triggers. When our amygdala - the brain's emotional center - is activated by stress, fear, or other intense emotions, our carefully constructed plans often go out the window.

In these moments, reaching for a soothing substance isn't a conscious choice we control. It's a deeply ingrained, automatic response - our brain's attempt to regulate our emotional state quickly. This is why even during "perfect diet phases," we might suddenly find ourselves elbow-deep in a bag of chips after a stressful day.

Understanding this doesn't mean we're powerless, but it does highlight the complexity of our behaviors and the limitations of willpower alone.

Avoiding the Internal Landscape

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Given the discomfort of recognizing our lack of control, it's no wonder we often avoid looking inward. The internal landscape can be a scary place, filled with:

1. Unprocessed emotions
2. Deep-seated fears and insecurities
3. Uncomfortable truths about ourselves and our behaviors
4. Trauma or painful memories
5. Uncertainty about our identity and place in the world

It's often easier to focus on external goals - like perfecting our diet or exercise routine - than to confront these internal challenges. Food and other soothing substances become a shield, protecting us from the discomfort of self-reflection.

The Cost of Avoiding Inward Reflection

While avoiding our internal landscape might provide temporary relief, it comes at a cost:

1. Perpetuating Unhealthy Patterns: By not addressing the root causes of our behaviors, we remain stuck in cycles of reactivity.
2. Missed Opportunities for Growth: Inner exploration, while challenging, offers profound opportunities for personal development and healing.
3. Disconnection from Self: Constantly focusing outward can lead to a sense of alienation from our true selves and needs.
4. Increased Stress: The effort of maintaining external control can ironically increase our stress levels, exacerbating the very issues we're trying to manage.

Moving Forward: Embracing Internal Exploration

So, how do we break this cycle? The key lies in shifting our focus from trying to control external factors to exploring and understanding our internal landscape:

1. Acknowledge the Illusion: Recognize that our sense of control over external factors and even our own reactions is often an illusion.
2. Practice Self-Compassion: Understand that automatic reactions to stress are not failures of willpower, but natural brain responses.
3. Cultivate Mindfulness: Develop the ability to observe your thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations without immediate judgment or reaction.
4. Seek Support: Consider therapy or counseling to help navigate the challenges of internal exploration.
5. Redefine Control: Instead of trying to control your behaviors directly, focus on creating an internal environment conducive to healthier choices.
6. Embrace Discomfort: Recognize that growth often involves sitting with uncomfortable feelings rather than immediately seeking to soothe them.

From Illusion to Insight

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By shifting our focus from the illusion of external control to genuine internal understanding, we open the door to profound change. This journey isn't about achieving perfect control over our eating habits or any other aspect of our lives. Instead, it's about developing a deeper, more compassionate relationship with ourselves.

Remember, the goal isn't to eliminate all soothing behaviors or to never be triggered. It's to understand ourselves better, to recognize our patterns, and to gradually develop more conscious, intentional ways of responding to life's challenges.

Your journey towards a healthier relationship with food - and with yourself - is uniquely yours. It's not just about what you eat, but about how you relate to your inner world. By embracing internal exploration, you can begin to unravel the complex threads of your behaviors and weave a new pattern - one of understanding, compassion, and genuine well-being.