A Mother's Legacy: The Enduring Power of Song

It's been a year since my mother passed away, concluding a decade-long battle with dementia. As I reflect on this journey, I'm struck by the complex tapestry of emotions that accompany such a profound loss – a loss that occurred gradually over time, sometimes gently, often harshly.

NOTE: the above video is Mom singing "You'll Never Walk Alone" just a few years before she passed AND in full-blown dementia. 

Dementia is a thief that steals not just memories, but the very essence of a person. Through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS), I've come to see my mother's experience as her authentic self flickering between our world and another, leaving her "little ones" – those vulnerable, childlike parts of herself – confused and questioning. In her final years, these little ones often retreated to a time before I existed, unable to recognize me or her other children and grandchildren.

Caring for someone with dementia is an exercise in love, patience, and often, heartbreak. The responsibility weighed heavily on me, especially in her last two years when she was rarely present. I constantly questioned my choices, wondering if I was doing enough, if I was making the right decisions for her comfort and contentment. The guilt of even considering my own needs in the face of her declining health was sometimes overwhelming.

Yet, amidst the fog of dementia, there was one beacon that never dimmed: music. My mother was an incredible singer – a professionally trained first soprano who later pursued a master's degree in education. Even in her deepest vacancy, when words failed and recognition faded, mom sang with me. This profound connection through melody speaks to the unique power of music, which inhabits all parts of the brain and often remains when other faculties have faded.

The science behind music's resilience in the face of dementia is fascinating. It's one of the last things to leave someone with Alzheimer's or dementia, offering a bridge to memories and emotions long after other connections have frayed. For us, it became a lifeline – a way to reach mom when all other paths seemed closed.

This musical legacy has profoundly shaped my life. Every morning, I engage in what I call #frontloadjoy – singing and dancing for 10 or 15 minutes. This practice is more than just a tribute to mom; it's a scientifically-backed way to start the day with positivity, energy, and joy. The benefits of this morning ritual are numerous, from boosting mood and cognitive function to reducing stress and increasing overall well-being.

Beyond the power of music, my mother's life story unfolded before me like a powerful testament to resilience and determination. I saw a woman who raised four children while supporting my father's passion for dance and choreography. When he left her for a younger woman, I witnessed her transform into a single mother, navigating a society that was often unkind to divorced women. She fought battles many of us take for granted today – struggling to buy a home, obtain credit cards, and balance the myriad responsibilities thrust upon her.

My mother's passion for women's rights and her desire for a better future for her daughter left an indelible mark on me. She instilled in her sons a deep respect for women, recognizing the importance of allies in the ongoing fight for equality. As I watch women across the country continue to battle for their freedoms and worry about the future of their children and grandchildren, I feel my mother's spirit rising within me, urging me to carry on her fight.

These emotions – love, grief, guilt, admiration, and determination – are big, strong, and loud. Yet, I find myself not just handling them, but noticing them with a sense of gratitude. They are a testament to the profound impact my mother had on my life and the lives of those around her.

As I navigate this first year without her physical presence, I'm comforted by the knowledge that she lives on – in me, in my daughters, in my brothers, and in their children. Her legacy is one of strength, perseverance, unwavering love, and the transformative power of music. It's a legacy that continues to shape and inspire us, pushing us to create a more equitable world and to find joy and connection through song.

To my mother: Thank you for the lessons, the love, and the enduring strength you've instilled in us. Thank you for the gift of music that continues to bring light even in the darkest times. Your journey may have ended, but your impact continues to ripple through time, touching lives in ways you may never have imagined. We carry your spirit – and your song – with us, always.